Hi dear readers. I’ve been overwhelmed recently. Thus, as you may or may not have noticed, I’m a few weeks behind on my ‘weekly’ posts. I’ve never felt so much as if there simply aren’t enough hours in a day to fit in all the things I need to get done above and beyond survival needs like sleeping and ingesting food.
I don’t have an amazing memory for tasks and appointments; I write absolutely everything down because I don’t trust my brain to hold it all. People tend to see me as an organized person since I don’t seem to forget things. But it’s my agenda full of pencil scribbles and my daily scrap-paper to-do lists, not me, who remember everything from appointments and shifted lesson times to when I need to make cookies for this or that event to when I should send an email to so-and-so or book a meeting with someone else or pay this or that bill.
And sometimes my memory is so full of certain things that it short-circuits on others, which I’ve noticed happening more often than usual lately. Like calculating a time zone difference wrong for a phone call, or telling everyone about a concert on June 30 that is actually on July 30. Those things, while small, have felt like a warning to my brain that I need to slow down in some area, that something’s got to give so that I don’t mess up on something important. I’ve also been thinking about the fact that if there is simply too much to remember such that I have to prioritize remembering certain things over others, I’d rather make sure I remember to do those little thoughtful and helpful things I love to do for people, rather than making sure I do all life’s requisite paperwork, which never seems to end anyway. Sometimes I choose the little thoughtful and helpful things too often, though, so that I run out of time to work toward my own goals.
Or even run out of time to take care of myself. I made it to the dentist last week, but it was months later than I wanted to, so I have a cavity that needs filling. I vowed to myself on June 19 that I’d resume going to the forest alone three times a week like I used to (like I need to for my sanity), and guess when I next had time to make it to the forest? June 28. I ate out way more this month than I usually do, my kids too, simply because there was no time to go home and cook meals between one activity and the next. It has not been my favourite month.
And yet, as a friend remarked about their own schedule recently, everything seems to be equally important. I feel that too, yet how can it be? Do I just love too many things?
I mean, in the past month, as well as my usual teaching work and housework and kid-driving and dog-walking and attempting to help keep our garden going, I’ve been able to watch my children perform in an amazing musical; my students have given their year-end piano recital; I’ve played in a piano quintet and with a cellist and with a violinist; I’ve got my new teaching studio space set up and running, which was a full-time job in and of itself; I’ve done an alarming amount of volunteer work organizing a camping gathering coming up in a week; I’ve celebrated my partner’s birthday; I’ve been a judge for a charity Battle of the Bands (a new thing for me, and super fun); I’ve travelled to the far corner of the province for six days for the sake of one of my kids; I’ve organized a chamber music gathering (which is tomorrow and I can’t wait); I’ve accompanied some lovely young violin students; and I’ve given a poetry reading at UVic. I’m not even looking back at my agenda as I make this list, so I’m sure there has been more which I am, true to form, forgetting.
Those were all good things, yet at times I’ve despaired of ever getting enough sleep or alone time again. Theoretically summer should be a bit slower than the school year. And also, I know I shouldn’t complain about having work, especially work that I love. But in one of my more despairing moments last week, I had a nice thought: that even when everything seems impossible and rush-rush and busy and overwhelming, all I actually have to do in any given moment is to accept my own humanness and to accept the humanness of others with grace and patience. That’s it. As long as I manage to do that I feel like I’m doing okay, even if I feel about three weeks behind on Things I Need To Get Done.
Thanks for reading—and don’t forget to accept your humanness with grace and patience.